SOMBRE HOMBRES.

If you're sat there in your dressing gown, thinking Bovril looks like crude oil and smells like a farmyard, then you'd be most wrong - it's the breakfast of champions.

In 2018, however, I will be reducing my intake, as my over reliance on eating toast smothered in delicious meat extract (outside of the breakfast boundary) is unarguably getting completely out of control.

Not to mention the cost; Bovril is quite expensive and, because it is a supreme substance, quickly runs out.

PRO TIP: Hot buttered toast first (and leave for a minimum of 20 secs to melt in) before applying the silky beef nectar.

Until I claimed these yuletide-themed beauties from Dr Christmas himself, I had no idea that socks were available in multi-packs of 10.

These were gratefully received and very much needed, as my sock drawer was in need of defibrillation. Yes, I had a small collective of battered footgloves - some of which I'm ashamed to say had actual holes in them - but no more. These bad boys are practical AND fun.

I revolve to wear fresh socks as often as possible this year, and recommend that you do too.

PRO TIP: Socks should be warm (but not hot) when applied.

Let's face it together, none of us are getting any younger. And I, for one, feel knackered all the fucking time.

Late Nights will be a thing of the past for New Year Pitkin; no more interesting late night conversations, driving on empty roads, snack binges, cool late night beverages that taste amazing, long quiet baths contemplating the rhythms of the universe...

That's right, I'm committing to a 10pm snooze-time watershed. When the News at 10 kicks on, I do one.

You may think that I'm a square, but I'll be fresh and ready in the morn', so you can lick my nutbag.

PRO TIP: Put a hot water bottle in your bed BEFORE you get in it. That way it will be warm when you get in it. Not sure why no one ever does this.

Coffee was once my saviour, my shining light, my salvation, my grail, my cup of hope, my inspiration, my reliable old friend, my companion, my confidante, my one and only.

No longer. I'm tired of smelling like a civet's asshole and feeling the hot rush of bean juice skid around my dentures. I'm also tired of the unfathomable nuclear waste emitted from my bowels seconds after downing another espresso.

A replacement? I'm taking the hot water train down to Herbal Tea junction... Green, Peppermint, Pomegranate and Lemon Fresh.

PRO TIP: Drink Green Tea without the milk - I know it sounds crazy, but give it a go. Smells like feet, but tastes like pure liquid satin. Your stomach will thank me, too. Oh yes, please.

Don't do it, Barack - it's a slippery slope.

This photo must have been taken in the run up to his final election defeat when he unbelievably lost his parliamentary seat to Donnie Twatfunkle.

Beer makes you fat, stupid, unattractive, and temporarily amusing but then massively irritating to those around.

It really goes without saying, but Donnie must bathe in it.

I'll say no more, as I say 'no more'.

PRO TIP: Drink 'sweet juice' instead. Bourbon, on the rocks, will make you feel like a bona fide elite human.